08/05/2025

HOLO PERSUITS

Sad news for reenactment aficionados. A completely preventable malfunction occurred aboard the USS Enterprise. … Which Enterprise? Pick one, this won’t be an isolated incident, I guarantee it. Anyhoo, while trial-testing an experimental holographic technology aboard the most important ship in the fleet, a simulation titled “Punch More Nazis” turned into the Great Escape when the Axis powers began killing people. You know, as they do.

If these were merely holographic projections, how could they cause any physical harm? The secret lies in the patent-pending “hard light” structure of the holograms. The techonology has been in develoopment for years at the Daystrom Institute for Holography as part of their Wacky Plot Device Division. These constructs were developed with the intension of augumenting shore leave and bolstering weak A-plots. Department Head at the Daystrom Intitutue, Dwight Projection, assured us they deliberately and meticulously slapped together some ill-concienved safety protocols. “Our saftey protocols are comprehensive. We thought crewmembers would just have sex with the holograms. I mean, why else would you use the technology in the first place? That’s why we designed the holographic pull-out method. Frankly, I’m just as surprised as you.”

This isn’t the first time Starfleet has tried to implement holographic technology into their starships. In fact, ships previously had holographic interfaces in addition to view screens. As some may remember, the technology had to be scrapped because how how easily abused it was when an athoritarian A.I. tried to use the technology to destroy all life in the galaxy. Despite the obvious hazards, researchers have assured Starfleet that definitely, probably, might not happen again. Which is good enough for Starfleet to reimplement it.

When crewmembers engaged the program for some light entertainment, the holograms did as their programming instructed: they became the mass mudering pyshopaths from days of old. Whodathunkit? Despite multilple failed attempts to shut down the simulation because its tied to every critical system aboard the ship for some reason, the holograms fought back. In the end, the system has to be completely destroyed to prevent further bloodshed. However, after kicking seven shades of shit out of the holographic fascists, several crewmembers reported feeling refreshed, and invigorated. Startfleet issued a formal statement that the technology will return to the testing phase for refinement and not be mentioned in any subsequent movies for years to come. They’ll just use traditional exploding sets and props in their simulations going forward.

Our condolences to the family of Ensign Shlomo Schwartz.

Story by: The Orion