January 21, 2024
The Year Ahead.
We’re back and just as not-rested as ever, baby! Woot. 2025 is off to a roaring start. Not a whole lot in the way of Trek news for me to lampoon, since both Lower Decks and Star Trek Discovery are now canceled. News on season 3 of Star Trek Prodigy is M.I.A. Star Trek Strange New Worlds season 3 will arrive *at some point in 2025, and Starfleet Academy may arrive in either 2025 or 2026. So… yeah…
Oh, Section 31, the movie about the organization that is completely anti-everything-Star-Trek-stands-for will premiere on January 24, 2025. While I wouldn’t say I’m exactly “excited” to see it, it is Trek and a lot of hard work by some wonderful people have gone into the making of it. I will reserve my opinions until after I’ve seen it. So, stay tuned.
Until there is more consistent Trek, I’m not entirely certain how I’ll use this main space. I’m a satirical Star Trek site, and there’s not a lot to satire at the moment. The secondary space below will be for the oddball fake news articles I generally write. Maybe one of these days I’ll be brave enough to post a short story. Of course there will be the fake ads and definitely more fan art to come. I was gonna rework this entire site, but the feedback I’ve gotten has been positive. The gallery may change to be easier to navigate and I am working on getting the print shop together. I’m waiting on approval from the printing site - links to follow. I’m also looking at possible sites for t-shirt printing. Thank you for your patience.
There will be a much larger 30 image collection of brand new fan art on the horizon. As always, I’m on socials - BlueSky and Tumblr. I officially dropped Instagram over their new policies; it should stop working in a few days.
No matter where you go… there you are.
The Orion.
January 28, 2024
Section 31 and the Leettle Peeple
Star Trek: Section 31 premiered last week. I’ve watched it twice; this is the concept of a Trek movie. Also, bizarrely, this movie proves once again nobody who works on Star Trek has ever met an Irish person… but I’ll get to that later.
This latest iteration continues the story of Empress of the Terran Empire: Philippa Georgiou Augustus Iaponius Centarius. Just as the lead herself, this dressed, up backdoor pilot suffers from an identity crisis. While it could be a fun, over-the-top, sci-fi schlock-fest, it’s not Star Trek. I think I would have enjoyed it more if it was its own thing. Instead, it’s mildly entertaining managing to only hold my interest out of curiosity rather than being enjoyable. It has moments that I enjoyed. Michelle Yeoh is phenomenal and well-fed having gnawed her way through every scene she was in. This is a Michelle Yeoh vehicle and it shows, and God bless her. As for the rest of the movie, it’s mostly forgettable. Which is a shame. It has a decent premise, a solid cast, and amazing visuals. It shot for the stars, but never got off the ground.
The movie does add some interesting new elements to Trek lore, something Trek sorely needs, and I’m here for it. However, this brings me to the character called “Fuzz”, the newest Trek species known as a “Nanokin.” The introduction of this new microscopic species is the most interesting and baffling part of the movie. Clearly, someone in charge of decision making in Star Trek has never met an Irish person, but absolutely fucking loves racist impersonations of the Irish from the 40’s. What could have been a great concept is overshadowed by Sven Ruygok’s craichead Irish impression. Perhaps they thought they were giving us the next Scotty, but instead they gave us a bipolar Jar-Jar Binks.
Maybe if it was a miniseries 3 - 6 episodes an hour and a half each, or if it was so bad it was hilariously bad, or if it wasn’t part of Star Trek, I might have enjoyed it more. But then, if it wasn’t Star Trek, I wouldn’t be discussing it here.
The Orion.
February 4th, 2025
Black History Is Star Trek
There’s a whole lot going on in the world right now, and not a lot of Star Trek. With Star Trek Strange New Worlds and Starfleet Academy set to drop at some point either this year or next, and news about Star Trek Prodigy Season 3 M.I.A. it feels appropriate to take a pause to celebrate the diversity of Star Trek.
This month, we honor the pioneering black actors who bring Star Trek to life. From the Nichelle Nichols’s debut in “Where No Man Has Gone Before,” Star Trek has always been at the forefront of inclusion. Mrs. Nichols, a black woman, staring along side white men, in a role that was not one of servitude, but equality, of command… this was paradigm-shifting. This was during one of the most tumultuous eras in American history. “Where No Man Has Gone Before” premiered September 22, 1966. For context, a little over a year later, Martin Luthor King Jr. was assassinated. Star Trek has not only dared to dream of a future where men and women of every race, religion, or sexual orientation could live together in harmony, but to proclaim it’s possible! We can usher in an era of peace, if we’re just willing to, not tolerate each other, but be willing to find the joy in the differences of others.
During Star Trek’s first season, Nichelle Nichols debated leaving the show. However, during a fateful run-in with Dr. King, the famed civil rights leader made a compelling argument which persuaded her to stay. Mrs. Nichols has spoken about this chance encounter in her memoir, and during a 2011 interview with NPR, she discusses it in more detail.
https://www.npr.org/2011/01/17/132942461/Star-Treks-Uhura-Reflects-On-MLK-Encounter
Star Trek’s influence on, not just popular culture, but the American zeitgeist cannot be understated. From Nichols, to Dorn, to Brooks, to Martin-Green, Star Trek has been paramount in showcasing the talents of marginalized groups. Black History is Star Trek and Star Trek is Black History.
~ The Orion
February 11th, 2025
n'Osha
Could the Klingons be cleaning up their act? According to a subspace transmission to the Klingon High Council, safety records for all mining operations within the empire are at an all-time high. The warrior-centric culture which boasts an impressive 229 forced-labor mining operations now report all facilities have gone a record-breaking 38 hours without a major industrial accident. This unprecedented trend could mean the Klingons may be well on their way to stabilizing their energy and resource productions, indicating a powerful shift in....
What?
...
They did?
...
The whole moon?
…
The whole moon plus several other moons?
...
Oh, OTHER'S moons.
…
Uh-huh… STILL on fire?
…
Evacuate?
…
Ladies and Gentlemen... never mind.
Story by: [channel closed]
If you’ve been following me on BlueSky, you would have seen that I’ve been celebrating all the black actors of Star Trek throughout the years. Black History Month isn’t about the exceptional people of color. It’s about celebrating people of color and their shared histories. Our shared histories. Below is an (incomplete) list of all the black actors I was able to find that, while they didn’t have a major role in the series, they’re just as equally a part of what made Star Trek.
Star Trek The Original Series
Janet MacLachlan – Clarlene Masters
Vince Howard - Crewman
Iona Morris – Little African American Girl
Eddie Smith - Crewman
Star Trek The Next Generation
Raymond Forchion - Ben Prieto – crashed shuttle pilot “Skin of Evil”
Victoria Dillard – ballerina
Basil Wallace – Klingon guard
Abdul Salaam El Razzac – bass player
Wren T. Brown – Transporter Pilot
Mirron E. Willis – Klingon Guard
Clifton Jones – Ensign Craig
Michael Echols – Civilian in Ten Forward
Josef Cannon – Klingon Warrior
Conrad Hurtt – Tau Cygna V Colonist
Kim Bass – Klingon High Council Member
Kevin Greviox – DS9 Security Officer
Keno K. Deary – Boraalan
Star Trek Deep Space Nine
John Eric Bentley – Klingon
Darwyn Carson – Romulan
Michael Jace – 1st Officer
Julian Chrostopher – Disembodied Cardassian Voice
D. Elliot Woods – Klingon Officer
James Black - helmsman
Star Trek Voyager
Zora DeHorter - Risian Woman
Barry Wiggins - Jem'Hadar Officer
Thomas Hobson - Young Jake
Michael Wajacs - Bajoran Civilian
Kevin Grevioux - Security Officer
Irving E. Lewis - Albino guard
Henry Kenji Jr - Cardassian civilian
Betty Hankins - Presidential advisor
Caprice Crawford - Bajoran Comfort Woman
Michael McFall - Salvage Alien #1
Doug Spearman - Alien Buyer
Henry Brown - Numiri Captain
Barry Wiggins - Policeman
Mark Daniel Cade - technician
Ron Robinson - Sek
Pancho Demmings - Kradin Soldier
Derek Anthony - Operations Division Officer
Irving E Lewis - Security Officer
Ivory Broome - Engineer
Tony Jones - Command Division Officer
Andray Johnson - Command Division Officer
Rainelle Saunders - Taresian Woman
Michael Wajacs - Mari Spectator
Monica Peterson - Vori Villager
Regan DuCasse - Alien Cooperative Member
Star Trek Generations
Riff Huton - Klingon Guard
Michael Echols - Klingon Warrior
Star Trek First Contact
Jeff Coopwood - Borg Voice
Star Trek Insurrection
Zachary Isaiah Williams - Ba'ku Child
Richard Givens - Operations Division Ensign
Enterprise
Regi Davis - Klingon First Officer
John Eddins - Xindi Reptilian
Donna Duplantier - Prostitute #2
Lamont Thompson - N.D. Alien Pilgrim
Bill Mayo - Officer #1
Kristen Ariza - Augment #1
Dayo Ade - Klingon Tactical Officer
J.D. Hall - Klingon Comm Voice
LBONGO - Klingon Crewman #2
Aldric A Horton - Operations Division Crewman
Sofie Calderon - Science Division Crewmember
Maria Celeste Genitempo - Civilian
Donnell Turner - Kantare Crewmember
Drew Delaine - Alien Mine Guard
Rafeedah Keys - News Reporter
Billy Brown - Med Evac Pilot
Jonathan Dixon - Simulator Tactical Officer
Sufe Bradshaw - Cadet Alien
Rico E Anderson - Council Member
Jessica Boss - Bridgeport Cadet
Damion Poitier - Drill Hanson #1
Rahvaunia - Academy Teacher
Sean Blakemore - Klingon
Ser'Darius Blain - USS Enterprise Red Shirt
David C Waite - USS Enterprise Crew
Arlen Escarpeta - Additional Voices
Kevin Michael Richardson - Additional Voices
Candice Renee - Additional Voices
Ariel D King - Starfleet Civilian
Hiram A Murray - Bar Patron
Xavier Truesdell - USS Enterprise security
Emy Aneke - Blue Shirt
Jarod Joseph - Control Tower Technician
Thomas Cadrot - USS Enterprise Bridge Crew
Ian David Nsenga - USS Enterprise Bridge Crew
Star Trek Discovery
Dorian Grey - Breen Lt. Arisar
Anthony Grant - Klingon communications officer
Jordan Francis - Breen helmsman
Kyana Teresa - doctor
Sam Asante - Senior Guard
Milton Barnes - Deck Crew #1
Hamza Fouad - Deck Crew #2
Jordana Blake - Betarian girl
Wole Daramola - "Red Eyes"
Fode Bangoura - Alien Merchant
Khalil Abdul-Malik - Credence First Officer
Claire Qute - Teen May hologram
Thamela Mpumlwana - Young T'Kuvma
Tony Ofori - FHQ Comm Officer
Christopher Allen - Orion Guard
Danny Waugh - Vulcan Holo
Jhaleil Swaby - San
Zarrin Darnell-Martin
Akotene Chanoine - Regulator Escort #1
Jajube Mandiela - Holo Officer #2
Daniel Woodrow - Holo Officer #3
Dayton Sinkia - Breen Soldier
Nicole Nwokolo - FHQ Security Officer
Donovan Brown - Science Trainee
Golden Madison - Alshain Aide
JaNae Armogan - Changeling
Flex Aleo - dad
Star Trek Picard
Floyd Anthony Johns Jr. - Security Officer / Pirate #1
David Carzwll - Dahj's Boyfriend
Zach Sowers - Security Guard #1
Kareem Stroud - Security Guard #2
Naymon Frank - Guard
Merrin Dungey - Interviewer
Rico McClinton - Older XB (exBorg)
Antonio David Lyons - Guard
Jasmine Akakpo - Titan Ensign
David Chattam - Kibitzer #2
Vaughn Page - Shrike Bridge Changeling
Jermain Hollman - Ensign in sickbay
Tarina Pouncy - Intrepid Security Officer #2
Brit Manor - Tough Fuelie
Guy Fernandez Jr. - Confederation Security Officer
Angel Manuel - Changeling Commander
Alyma Dorsey - Stargazer Officer
Greg Samuels - Coppelius Android
Geoff Samuels - Coppelius Android
Marco Vazzano - Trill
Damion Portier - Fesoj Artifact Visitor
Ife Moore - Romulan Onlooker
Dartenea Bryant - LAPD Officer
Cina McKenna - Female Changeling
Star Trek Lower Decks
Jennifer Lewis - Bartender
Brandon Johnson - Uncredited
Echo Kellum - Titan Lieutenant #1
Star Trek Prodigy
James Mathis III - ekthi
Star Trek Strange Strange New Worlds
Eugene Clark - Vulcan Judge
Section 31
Rif Hutton - Godsend Timer
Robert Perry Bierman - Baaran Security Guard
Representation matters.
~ The Orion
March 4, 2025
Infinite Diversity in Finite Combinations
Starfleet, the organization that has long prided itself on diversity and inclusion has announced they will be ending their IDIC - Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations programs effective immediately. The news comes shortly on the heels of widespread and frankly mindboggling layoffs throughout the spacefaring organization. The layoffs have been focused mainly on key infrastructural departments with vital operational value. Shuttering the workforce of such invaluable departments is sure to have little to no detrimental effect on daily Starfleet operations.
Since the latest round of administrative layoffs, designed at fighting wasteful spending in a post scarcity utopia, 113 (at time of article) shuttlecrafts have mysteriously crashed, killing dozens. Starfleet was quick to issue a missive reassuring the citizenry these cuts are necessary and there’s no need to investigate the crashes, or even mourn the losses. Citizens are urged to go about their lives as if a hostile alien isn’t trying to undermine their safety and freedoms.
~ The Orion
March 11, 2025
NOSA
Starfleet, the interplanetary space-faring organization announced it will be eliminating all scientists within its organization. Instead, the institution, who literally operates in space: that big, black DEI straight, lifeless area that’s not Earth, has announced it will be replacing its brightest minds with venture capitalists. According to Starfleet spokesman, Gayle DEI no-homo Petro, stated “it’s not like it’s rocket science,” and that the word ‘scientist’ is a Vulcan word that was never used on Earth before 2063. Petro did affirm doctors will still be allowed to serve in the fleet as practicing medicine has nothing to do with science, as sick people are a limitless source of opportunity exploitations: a move that I did nazi coming.
The catastrophically idiotic decision follows a series of equally calamitous decisions recently made by Starfleet’s newest administrative body: FelonX. When approached for comment on whether or not it’s wise to remove all scientists from Starfleet, FelonX spokesbro, Leon Kettaman, revved a chainsaw for twenty-five minutes before soiling himself claiming a black person did it.
~ The Orion
March 18, 2025
Democracy Is Saved
Khan Noonien Singh, an augmented human with great hair and even better pecks, has conquered the world. At a recent summit, rulers from across the globe voted on a local election to decide the fate of humanity. Khan, along with his group of augmented supermen, who we never learn anything about, successfully voted to enslave and doom humanity. The measure won by a slim margin, and only after the deciding vote in favor of the doom, was provided by the representative of the “normal humans party.” Party Head, S. C. Humer, argued strongly “The only way forward, is backwards,” and that “Capitulation guarantees success because it shows that we’re the bigger person.” The poster-child for terrible decisions continued “The decision will ensure peace.” The capitulating traitor then corrected, “This decision will ensure I get my piece.”
~ The Orion
March 25, 2025
Totally Glueless
Earlier this month, Starfleet announced it will no longer utilize its own spacedocks or spaceports in the production of its spacefaring vessels, instead choosing to outsource their construction to the production facilities at Pakled Planet. The bewildering decision has had predictable outcomes as Starfleet has just issued a fleet-wide recall of all ships. As for the cause of the recall, instead of welding or even riveting the ships together, the fabrication teams used glue. Now, the ships are literally coming apart at the seams.
According to Glue Bosses, Perb, Drek, Derb, Zorkbar, & Fwix, all of whom were glued together and functioning as one spokesperson at Pakled Spaceport, "You take our ships. / And we steal stronger glue. / Then you bring our ships back. And we glue them stronger. / Stronger glue makes ships strong."
True to the nature of the recall, by the time our interview had finished, the Glue Bosses had managed to dislodge themselves from Perb, but soon realized they missed being stuck together, and re-glued themselves together.
The Pakled council is set to vote on making them their king later today.
~ The Orion
April 1, this year
All Yor Site R Belong 2 Us
Hello! This is The Orion funny fake funny news site. This is the Orion.
Ha, ha! We fool you! You are April Fool! We Pakled are funny now! You laugh because we’re funny. And now the News. It’s new News because it new to us. Orion told us to say that. Orion is funny. Now we’re funny. Pakleds are funny now. We take orion site and WE the funny ones now. Moor new News happened today… but we forget. You come back tomorrow, we’ll remember and tell you. Or tell you newest new News. Oh! One new News that happened was dumb politicians are dumb. You’re leaders are dumb. And not funny. Not like Pakleds. Pakleds are smart and funny.
You laugh.
Or we kill you.
Okay, by.e.
~ The Pakled.
No, not that Pakled, the other Pakled.
04/08/2025
The Trouble With Tariffs
Last week, the Federation announced a slew of dangerous and bewildering tariffs on all goods imported to Earth. The primary issue with this, however, is that Earth doesn't import good. Since the 2360's residents of Starfleet's home planet have used replicators to provide all their basic needs like food, clothing, and other textiles. The new legislation places tariffs on the atomic particles used in the production of these goods... all of which are common throughout the galaxy, and have no native or distinct regional origin but... we'll allow Starfleet spokesperson, Orange Yousickofme, explain it...
"Hey, look, okay, utopias cost money. Okay. Do you understand what I'm saying? Okay. To build paradise, you gotta crack some eggs. That's just the way the gingerbread house crumbles. Do you like gingerbread? The UFP has the best gingerbread in the quadrant-NO-the solar system. You know what, scratch that, best gingerbread this side of the galactic barrier. You know why the galactic barrier is there, I put it there. And I made those touch-feely weirdos pay for it. To keep out all the drug dealers from the other universes. Gotta keep the people safe. Gotta care for them. That's why we're gonna build the best gingerbread houses with the best materials. We're gonna lower the cost of housing by making everything more expensive. That's how we achieve our goals. If you don't like it you can go play in the sand and be sad with all those hateful Vulcans. Not us though, we're gonna make the biggest gingerbread houses you've ever seen. Yuge. Fit a family of five plus grandma and the dog. Would you like some gingerbread? I dip mine in catchup. Okay. I see how you're looking. This is class. Primo class. That's how they do it in the Dominion."
~ The Orion
04/15/2025
No Laughing Matter
The world of comedy was delivered a real zinger today when notable geneticist, turned ex-con, turned roboticist Arik Soong premiered his latest synthetic life form ‘Josh-U.A.’ The android made their comedic debut at Charnock’s Comedy Cabaret on Risa. The artificial lifeform arrived fully functional and programmed with the comedic stylings of history’s greatest standup philosophers, but audiences weren’t laughing. One audience member had this to say,
“It was all knock-knock jokes. That’s it. Just forty, maybe fifty knock-knock jokes. … In a row. I think we all thought that was the bit… but he just kept going… it was funny at first, then got really sad, and kinda pathetic… then for a minute it got funny again because he wouldn’t stop, you know? Like, is this really happening? Yeah, no, it was intentional. Someone in the back yelled ‘Computer end program’ but the android just said ‘that command was not recognized.’ I started laughing again because by that point I was afraid of what it might do to us.”
One Vulcan admitted after the performance that his smirk was “purely an affectation and nothing more.” When approached about the shortcomings of his latest invention, the good doctor had this to say, “Don’t worry, someday you’ll be able to have sex with it.”
~ The Orion
04/22/2025
Holy-Ghosted
Pope Frances, after meeting with alleged antichrist and couch-fucker, JD Vance, passed away, yesterday. Reports claim shortly after meeting with the VP, Pope Frances told bishops, “the big guy owes me” and that his “prayers have been answered” then died. The untimely death has left Vatican City in mourning, completely defenseless against frost giants and I might be getting him confused with Odin. I’m not certain, I usually mock science-fiction, not historical fiction. However, in these dire, uncertain times, the Vatican was swift to announce the padre’s replacement. Fresh from the Mirror Universe, Despot-pope Frances the World-Slayer, has been charged with leading the Catholic faith to total galactic domination.
~ The Orion
04/29/2025
Comb On, You Can Do It!
The most recognizable Star in Trek history is returning to the franchise. No, not Clint Howard, the other guy. In response to their anti-DEI rollback initiative, Paramount, today released a statement regarding their upcoming Star Trek projects. The announcement, designed to quell fears that the media giant is a tool of a fascist regime, revealed that veteran actor, Jeffery Combs, will be featured in multiple roles of upcoming projects. Combs, renown through Star Trek as the man of many faces, will continue the networks long tradition of diversity. Indeed, Mr. Combs will be playing multiple roles as a regular white guy with different ethnically sounding names.
~ The Orion
05/06/2025
‘T’ is for Tariff-ic!
Several months ago, in an effort to gain political favoritism, Starfleet announced they would be scraping all Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiatives. The organization renown for recruiting the best and brightest minds from across the galaxy would limit their field of search to Earth, and the Pakled planet. However, fascism doesn’t make a single demand. Soon after, Earth’s resident Con-man-der In Chief pressured the organization into removing the head of United Earth Broadcast - Owen Williams. It seems all that boot-licking has finally paid off. Yesterday, Earth’s president Orange Julius Cesar, announced they will be levying a 1000% tax on all organizations who operate outside of Earth. In a post-scarcity utopia, I imagine that’ll cause no issue for the space-faring organization.
~ The Orion
05/13/2025
No Fake News - I was working on changes and improvements to the site.
~ The Orion
05/20/2025
Not My Network, Not My Monkeys
Last week, Netflix announced it will not be pursuing a third season for the masterfully written, and wildly acclaimed “Star Trek: Prodigy.” Despite the ups and downs, this little-show-that-could-if-somebody-would-let-it, has managed to pull in an Emmy win for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Animation, a Peabody Award for Institutional Award, and a Children's & Family Emmy Award, as well as four other nominations, proving the series is punching above its weight class. Yet, so far, the series with a dedicated, near ravenous fanbase has yet to find a permanent home. However, much to the bewilderment of… everybody… sources (not mine, I have no sources, I’m literally making shit up as I go) uncovered Paramount has been working on a yet-unannounced “kid-friendly show” to fill the need left by the kid-friendly show they keep cancelling.
This new show, that is definitely not Prodigy, will be a series of animated shorts designed for YouTube… to attract younger views. The very thing Star Trek Prodigy was already… you know what, I’m gonna let it go. I’m gonna let it go. … While there is no official word on the mystery project, since it is a Star Trek vehicle, Paramount has already canceled it four times.
Fans of Prodigy aren’t down and out just yet. Just as Paramount has a long and pernicious history of cancelling Star Trek, numerous series have been resurrected through the efforts of fans. Season 1 of Star Trek Prodigy will be leaving Netflix on June 24th, with Season 2 set to follow on December 1st. In the meantime, showrunners and creators are hopeful they’ll be able to find a new home for the beloved series. In the wake of this bewildering announcement, criticism among the fanbase has already begun to mount with many stating “It won’t be as good as the last one.” And this time, I’m inclined to agree with them.
Story by: The Orion
05/27/2025
These Colors Don’t Run…
But They Probably Should.
Yesterday was Memorial Day. A time when we remember those who have fallen in the line of duty. I can think of no group of people more deserving of recognition for their brave self sacrifice than the Star Trek “red shirt” I mean… Operations Officer. The red shirt Operations officer, most notably assigned to the Engineering and Security functions of a ship, means they were a starship’s first line of defense, both on ship and off world. Please, join me as we honor the fallen:
* Crewman Matthews: Pushed down a cliff by rock Ruk.
* Crewman Rayburn: Suffocated by Ruk.
* Ensign O'Herlihy: Vaporized by a Gorn.
* Crewman ‘Unknown’: Killed by the rock Horta.
* Lieutenant Grant: Racism Killed after reaching for his phaser at the sight of a Klingon.
* Lieutenant Security #1 & #2: Probed to death - Killed by Nomad.
* Lieutenant Carlisle: Ditto.
* Lieutenant ‘Unknown’: Double ditto.
* Crewman Hendorff: Killed by plant.
* Lieutenant Kaplan: Struck by Lightning.
* Lieutenant Mallory: killed by exploding rock.
* Lieutenant Marple: Hit with stick.
* Lieutenant Gaetano: Hit with giant stick.
* Crewman ‘Unknown’: Killed by cloud.
* Lieutenant Leslie: Killed by cloud.
* Ensign Rizzo: Killed by cloud.
* Crewman ‘Unknown’: Killed by clown cloud.
* Crewman Leslie Thompson: turned into cube.
* Crewman Harper: Vaporized by the M-5 computer.
* Lieutenant Galloway: Vaporized by Captain Tracey.
* Crewman Watson: Killed after discovering sabotage.
* Crewman #1 & #2: Beamed into open space… accidentally.
* Crewman Compton: Natural Causes due to old age Rapid Accelerated Aging.
* Ensign Wyatt: Killed by Lorisa’s touch.
* Crewman John B. Watkins: Samzies.
* And The Rest. R.I.P.
Story by: The Orion
06/03/2025
Keep On Trekkin’
Captain Christopher Pike, the newest captain to command the USS Enterprise, is technically, the third to ever sit in the captain’s chair. The first being notable war criminal Captain Jonathan Archer. Pike assumed command of the next iteration of starships, the Constitution-class USS Enterprise, from Captain, now Admiral, Robert April during the ship’s first year in service for her shakedown cruise. Suck it, Archer. We had a chance to sit down with Captain Pike to ask what makes his captaincy different from those who would come before and after, most notably, James T. Kirk. We have the fake exclusive interview.
Captain Pike, “What sets me apart from my predecessor? My hair. … Oh, and Spock and I have never fucked. He did let me be the little spoon during one intense cuddle session. Which was nice.”
You read it here, folks.
Story by: The Orion
06/10/2025
Where Have All The Good Boys Gone and Where Are All The Dogs?
We bring you an exceedingly long title to announce Admiral Jonathan Archer’s beagle, Porthos, is missing. The venerable mascot of Earth’s first warp 5 starship, the NX-01 Enterprise, went missing after a transporter demonstration at Starfleet Academy. During his senior thesis on Advanced Quantum Mechanics, Cadet James M. Scott was attempting to demonstrate his revolutionary theory of Trans-warp Beaming. Cadet Scott made several unprecedented demonstrations, both of which broke distance records in molecular transportation. His first attempt was to transport a cargo container to the USS Aberdeen positioned 40,000 km away from Earth. The distance was well out of current transporter range… or so everyone thought. This attempt alone broke established distance records. He then proceeded to break another record by transporting Ambassador Soval’s short-horned terrier, Max, to Tycho Station on Earth’s moon: 238.900 km.
The, might I say, overconfident claimed his paradigm-shifting algorithm was infinitely expandable, and for his final attempt, would transport the reluctant Admiral Archer’s prized beagle to Terra Nova on Mars, a staggering 225 million km away. Unfortunately, the furry quadruped failed to rematerialize on the destination pad. Cadet Scott attempted to retrieve the wayward beagle, launching into a torrent of incoherent technobabble, believing the beast to be trapped in subspace. However, despite his best efforts, and assisted by the transporter experts on hand, he was unsuccessful.
In what is being called a “gross misuse of resources” Admiral Archer has enlisted seven starships; recalling an additional 9 to the sol system to help search for his lost companion. While Cade Scott, having proved his thesis, will graduate the Academy, his future in Starfleet is unclear. The bereaved Admiral had one final note on the matter, “If it were up to me… and it is… I’d send his ass to our furthest outpost. Someplace… cold. If he’s as good as he thinks he is, he can teleport himself back.”
Story by: The Orion
06/17/2025
Make A Run For the Border
This past weekend marked the 47th anniversary of a pivotal moment in Earth’s past. Millions of citizens, across the United States, peacefully marched in a display of solidarity to denounce the unjust occupation of the city of Los Angeles from an oppressive imperialistic regime. Despite the peaceful nature of the demonstrations, the events became violent due to the provocation of local law enforcements, hired agitators, and political leaders. In the wake of the riots, and the senseless violence toward so many, public opinion against the sitting administration began to sour. What would later be dubbed the T.A.C.O. Bell Riots, marked a turning point in US politics as millions of citizens saw firsthand the brutality being unleased on a peaceful, law-abiding populous. The day is celebrated with dance and revelry, and the popular Cruz Control, where reenactors dress as a congressman fleeing across the border. Local venders were on hand to dispense traditional street food: a chicken-stuffed taco with Cheeto shell.
Story by: The Orion
06/24/2025
Who Mourns For Burke?
For the past several years, salvage crews at the 40 Eridani Starfleet Construction Yards have been reclaiming and reprocessing wreckage recovered from the Battle of Wolf-359. Last week, however, crews made a rather unusual discovery. Salvage Boss, Mottiv Gik, had this to say, “These ships, yeah, they’s good ships, yeah. Even bein’ in’a bunch’a fraggin’ pieces, ya feel me? Wot dem Borg pog-suckers did t' da fleet was a woah-nasty bidness, but deez ships yeah, dey still got power. They got parts for days. We’re out here, we’re salvagin’. We ain’t scrappin.’ Weez workin’ to rebuild the fleet. Ha-ha, Starfleet Strong, bebe! Ya feel me?” And we did.
During the salvage of the USS Melbourne, crews were astonished to discover power and life support were still active. Not only that, but primary systems had been rerouted to holodeck four. Surprising still, a holodeck program had been active and running for seven years. Interference from an unknown origin prevented crews from scanning the interior. What lay on the other side? Borg drones? Dr. Moriarty? Borg-ified Abraham Lincoln? When the salvage team finally deactivated the program and unsealed the doors, they were astounded to find a single, non-holographic crewman alive, having been trapped in the wreckage since the infamous battle.
After pausing to recalibrate our universal translators, Tellarite, Boss Gik continued, “Mah teams yeah, they tells me they got sumfin strange and I’m like, tell me something I don’t know! This is Starfleet! Strange ain’t so strange, ya feel me? But I sayz ‘What’s so important you’z interruptin’ mah lunch?!’ And dey says dey can’t tell me cause there’s dis damperin’ field INSIDE the holo-deck, right? So I says ‘Short the power relays. Kill da whole sha’bang.’ And lemme tell ya, when my crew does a job dey do the job! Overloaded every EPS relay left workin’. An’it worked a treat! Lit up like New Year on Tellar Prime! Man, an’ doz doors popped right open. Foof! Daz when we found ya boy, Burke. Brudda been in there a long time. Smelled like Yridian doo-doo in there. Ha!”
When reached for comment, Ensign Burke had this to say, “But… I had a life. … I had a wife and kids… Erin. Nichole. … My god, Maggie, my wife… we were finally going to counseling together. The divorce had been so rough on all of us… I was about to get my life back! … OH GOD!!!”
Look out ladies, Ensign Burke is available.
Story by: Thad Disingenuous
07/01/2025
To Boldly Go and Kick Some Ass
Earlier this week, Starfleet has announced they’ll be honoring the trailblazing communications officer, Captain Uhura, with the opening of a new space camp. The Nyota Uhura’s Space Camp for Kickass Boys, Girls, and Transgendered Species is set to open in late 2426. Despite its incredibly long title, the camp will focus on short-term goals for teens to help them decide if a career in Starfleet is right for them… which it is! With the latest in holo-technologies and state of the art pyrotechnics, these Jr. cadets will get a taste of Armageddon first hand through life aboard a starship. They’ll learn the chain of command, experience first contact, and even learn the trouble with tribbles! Hop aboard the newest galaxy quest and learn what little girls… boys, and transgendered species are made of! Registration is open now!
Story by: The Orion
07/08/2025
Death to the Competition!
The world of sports was thrown a curve ball this weekend. For those not associated with the Galactic Federation of Old-Timey Sports, a “curve ball” is a term used when something unexpected happens. Today, that something happened at the GFOTS opening tryouts when defamed geneticist and reasonable crooner, Dr. Arik Soong, arrived with his latest creation. Dr. Soong, you may remember, earned his notoriety by violating the Federation’s ban on genetic augmentation, creating dozens of genetically engineered supermen, leading to his incarceration, then eventual escape, which caused the death of dozens of innocent lives, and nearly started an interstellar war with the Klingon Empire, but he’s all better now! These days, the good doctor has his sights set on baseball with his latest creation, an android named “Bunt.” The android quickly unnerved tens of attendees by throwing a 447 mile per hour fastball. Competitors quickly demanded the android’s disqualification and removal calling it “nothing short of walking cannon.” A separate complaint was lodge to force anatomically correct android to wear clothes. Dr. Soong was quick to allay concerns by pointing out that he anticipated such fears and installed fail-safes in the android, ensuring its fastball would be thrown just below the speed of an actual cannon. Though no follow up questions were asked, the Dr. added “And hey, don’t worry, someday you’ll be able to have sex with it.”
Story by: Johnny Tres-bolas
07/15/2025
PIRATES!
Avast, ye mateies, now that I have your attention, I'll be discussing a controversial subject often associated with us Orions: bellydancing. ... And piracy. Firstly, one is a complete exaggeration hyper-sensationalized by the male-dominated Hollywood landscape and is in no way, shape, or form associated with Orion culture and the other is Piracy.
Piracy, throughout history and in its various forms, represents a deviation from established norms of ownership and legality. The practice has captivated our imagination while also posing significant challenges to industries and societies. Piracy has existed for centuries, with the most romanticized period often referred to as the Golden Age of Piracy, from the late 1990's to the mid-2010s.
Piracy in this era was often characterized by higher download speeds, and propelled by increasing inaccessibility to products and services through rampant corporate greed and the unjustifiably low wages of creators. Pirate crews often operated under their own codes and systems, sometimes showcasing remarkable diversity and a challenging of societal norms from their mom's basement.
Beyond the Golden Age, many other forms of historical piracy flourished in various forms. Napster operated out of that one kid's house whose family could afford the internet, allowed you to torrent the latest Weird Al songs. PirateBay sailed from sea to sea and allowed you to spoil Game of Thrones before anybody else could. Limewire allowed you to download the Millennium Worm and really fuck up the family PC.
I hope you’ve found this culturally historic article insightful. Paramount among my personal goals is to impart strange knowledge that may broaden your horizons to new worlds of understanding. Plus one day it may afford you the opportunity to view your favorite science fiction program(s). Perhaps one owned by a disreputable organization. Perhaps beginning approximately on July 17th and running through somewhere around September 11th. Smooth Sailing.
Harr, harr, harr...
Story By: The Orion